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May 4th, 2004

10:28 pm - Life is but a dream No one is observant enough to notice that all my calendars have the April page ripped out. It's because April doesn't exist. I shut myself in my office with stacks of paper I can't see over, I work eighteen hour days, Monday through Sunday, and at the end of it, we don't get reamed by the tax department. Well, we do get reamed courtesy of progressive taxation, but I guess the analogy is that we don't get fucked sideways by the entire tax department. Just a few bureaus. And they're gentle and tell us they love us afterwards and we act like we like it. Anyway, I drink a lot too, so time ceases to exist. Paper, paper, more paper, vodka! So it's over and I haven't actually had a single dirty thought about that sexy American or my husband for.. oh... weeks. It's impossible to fantasize about someone while you're balancing their expense account. It's like going through their trash, too many filthy secrets. Tohma, the $20,000 faux leopardskin coats? I drank to the point where I was hallucinating about numbers that weren't there, but I have a horrible feeling that this one is real. Fun fact! K drinks more then me. More then I am right now. All the time. ...charges it all to his NG expense account, along with various weapons, some of which I'm fairly certain are illegal. I have another horrible feeling that he doesn't have the proper permits for concealed carry in this country and I should cover our ass legally, but hey, never mind, vodka! I always want to wake up and find out the whole month was a dream. Also. I fucking hate cats. Never mind why. Current Mood: complacent

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April 9th, 2004

04:33 pm - Never a dull moment. The taxes are done. And Eiri has his boyfriend back. Our fiscal year actually isn't nearly as depressing as I thought it would be. We turned a nice profit while we had no marketing department and copies of Gravity still flying out the door. I have a new habit of getting smashed before noon on vodka and then sobering up so I can drive home. It's fun. There's no one here in this entire building except me, Sakano and Tohma, and probably some of those security people I hired a while back, though I'm not sure who exactly they are since I've only seen them from behind a shot glass. Those things are surprisingly thick. So, what's the problem now? Oh.. well, supposedly Noriko's pregnant with Eiri's lovechild. This is a whole new level of a wildness, Nori-chan. I love it. I wonder if Tohma will still say we're all getting old and boring after he hears that. Am I going to freak? No. It's not my business, is it? Actually, I'm fucking delighted because this means my father can lay the fuck off about grandchildren, huh? Yeah I care about decency or whatever but on the other hand I'm sick to death of caring. And this isn't the end of the world, right? Maybe I feel invincible because Aizawa didn't destroy us. Yeah, because we destroyed Aizawa instead. The world is so amusing when I'm drunk. Why didn't I develop a drinking problem sooner? Current Mood: drunk

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March 31st, 2004

12:08 am - This is not absolution. I was messed up about this. ( But this is all I'm getting. ) Whatever, I'm over it. It's an act of will. I say 'I'm over it', and I am. Current Mood: discontent Current Music: Their single. It has no name.

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March 28th, 2004

02:31 am - What more can I say? I remember the most.... fucking... shallow things. But I should say... that Aizawa Tachi really was an attractive young man. He was much smaller then I'd thought. He sat very straight. His hands rested on the table in front of him, bound with a thick black belt. His knuckles were white. I had only one thing to ask him. "What the hell is wrong with you?" And I asked him it over and over again, I couldn't stop myself. I could hear Tohma behind me, shifting position. Silk rustles that way. Both of us had been pulled out of bed at about one in the morning. K was at the door. K had Aizawa Tachi in the trunk and I made him.. I made him bring him inside. K had a gun pointed to his head and Aizawa.. is just a kid. Was just a kid. Small. Scared shitless, I could see it in his eyes, but he was putting up a front. Or maybe he figured he had nothing to lose. So he was quiet as he sat at our kitchen table. K had a gun, a huge gun, jammed into his temple the entire time. I couldn't think of anything to do but talk, so I talked to make sense of things. I recited it like a rap sheet, the beating, the assault, the harassment of my brother, the photographs, the kidnapping, the extortion, the drugs, the money, the money, the money... ...the talent, the promise, the contract, the record, the hit single, the fans, the press, the future.. "What the hell is wrong with you!" Aizawa Tachi said nothing. He looked down and bit his lip slightly like a child. He is a child. Was a child. Was. Was. God. Tohma... ....told me to get the fuck upstairs, right now, before the police came. And asked questions. And photographed the blood all over our kitchen floor. So I could act like I didn't know what happened. And I hadn't been there for the entire thing. Watching. Standing behind my husband and doing nothing. Suguru met me on the stairs. He was still mostly asleep. His hair stuck up the way Tohma's used to when it was shorter. He said Mika-san, I heard a gunshot.. And I said it was the television, it was a movie and our top of the line surround sound home theatre. Telegraphs the sound. Makes it sound real. These fucking comfortable lies, and they come so easily now. I put my hand on his shoulder and guided him back upstairs. I can't even talk about this yet. Current Mood: shocked

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March 26th, 2004

01:46 am - Kids. Impossible. I haven't even told my husband about it yet, it's so ridiculous. He probably wouldn't find it funny like I do. Aizawa Tachi of all people. Aizawa fucking Tachi. No. It's just not possible. But god, these Bad Luck kids walk around all the time with no bodyguards and no protection and any of them could get snatched at any time. You know, Grasper never had bodyguards while they were in Japan. They never needed them. It just... didn't happen. Tohma gets recognized on the street still, but the attention is subdued, civilized. These things... just... don't... happen here. I just can't believe it could be Aizawa. Yeah, he's a punk. I've met him. Hell, I saw him sing in Tohma's office when ASK came to petition us for support. I remember him, and it's such a damn shame because I really remember his voice. It was raw, just a bit of roughness to it. In about ten or fifteen years that will turn into something gravelly and perfectly aged. I don't know what the hell is wrong with this stupid kid... that thing with Shuichi made no sense to me. Maybe in a 'boys' sort of way. All I remember of the boys from high school is that they were all terrified of Tohma. And we were never this bad, Tohma, Noriko and Ryuuichi and I. Never. Anyway, speaking of kids, Suguru is staying in our house. He's very quiet and polite and all that, and yes it's unnerving. He's also trying to play me. Someone should tell the poor kid that not even Tohma can successfully deceive me. I told him what he wanted to know out of... I don't know... responsibility. Or whatever. Also, this Shindou girl has singlehandedly convinced me that perhaps I will not have any kids of my own. God, who needs them? Aren't I pulling my hair out enough as it is? The thought of Tohma actually growing up enough to be a father just... unnerves me even more. I need my nerves. Soon I won't have any left, the way things are going. Jesus. Eiri just reminded me of.. well, first let me say that with Suguru in the house I can no longer have a decent argument over the phone. I can't even chew out the lawyers. It's so horrible. I can't yell at anybody. Anyway, Eiri reminded me that the kidnapper scum want money from us too. Why does no one ever tell me anything? Why doesn't that brother of mine... never mind. Not my problem. Deep breaths. Another shot. Just one more. Don't have to drive anywhere, right? I can get drunk nice and quietly. Suguru won't hear anything. Current Mood: exhausted

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March 22nd, 2004

03:12 pm - After the end of the world So this is the afterlife. A few stubborn reporters still sitting in their vans outside. All of the listed phone lines unplugged. I sit here in the office, surrounded with computers and paper and talk to our lawyers. The arraignment won't be for another few weeks. I look over what I have. The note, rescued from Tohma's discarded clothes. The phone call, captured on a small line tap device bought on the advice of our lead attorney. None of them have even spoken to Tohma. I haven't much, myself. I administer the hugs, the silent hand on his shoulder. I don't tell him about what I'm planning, he expects me to just do my job in silence. We used to talk. All the time. But that's... a luxury, I guess. It's not for the times when he's troubled. And boy, is he ever... It's not so bad. It's not a murder charge. I really want to tell him that, but it would sound wrong. Like I don't understand what he's going through. And maybe I don't. I'm not exactly the same as he is. A charge like this would infuriate me because it would be so unfair. I wonder.. if he still takes rejection as hard as he used to. Maybe he sees this as rejection by the world. Or maybe... ...he's plotting revenge. He acts like it. He's downstairs watching American movies on those satellite channels we pay a small fortune for. But he's got that look on his face. He's planning. I was always fascinated by the way he works, that way he can wait. I can't, I'm a loose cannon. I kick in doors and go on rampages. But he waits. And he plans. And even I can't foresee the exact moment when he'll strike. I almost wish he'd just go downstairs and play something. Let it out already... Anyway, I act. I talk to the lawyers, and we plan our strategy for the trial. And.. you know, this entire ransom scheme is ridiculous, cocaine was never his drug of choice. It doesn't fit his personality at all. I sit here and I look over the schema of the demands... and it's such a sloppy, witless frame job. I can rule out Gao for sure, his schemes were intricate. And he knew Tohma backwards and forwards, I could tell from the way he wove his manipulation. It was precision work. This is just clumsy. But who else would want us this badly? Some random punk who wants money? No, not for the way they're going after us, after his reputation and Eiri's sanity. Someone who wants blood. Not Gao, none of our little gallery of petty industry enemies who mostly either envy Tohma or fear him. None of them would know Eiri or Shuichi. I suspect... someone new. Someone we don't know yet. Who else could connect us to Eiri, and Eiri to Shuichi? Who knows all of us and despises us each in turn? Tohma and I share enemies, but not with Eiri. And never with Shuichi. Current Mood: blah Current Music: Rod Stewart - Forever Young

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March 18th, 2004

10:17 pm - Independence and the price Oh yeah, real good day today. This thing in the porn magazine... it's Tohma's department. He handles this marketing stuff. I'm at a loss to do it for him, even with all his messages landing in my inboxes. Plus all the gleeful 'sympathy' calls from our 'friends' in the business. Gao hasn't even weighed in yet. He's probably smirking in his tower at Fortress Sony and thinking that it's just too damn easy. Tohma's very quiet. I don't know what the hell happened to him in there, but he looks tired, more so then I've ever seen him look, and I remember the marathon 72hr work/composition/ performance/clubbing/work again purple microdot sessions of '93. I gave the idiot police department their money. I got him home before the reporters closed in on our house. I'm sitting here in the home office trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to do. I've got to call our lawyers. I guess... I already called K.. I told him about the magazine, I think. I didn't sleep and I still haven't slept. I don't really remember what I said. I can't feel anything right now. There's love on one hand, and it's fierce. There's a sort of vague giddy desire on the other. But I can't feel it. I don't know... I remember his eyes. And I remember my husband's graceful white hands and the deep red welts around his wrists. I remember beauty and horror in high definition, especially in times like this. Can I say one thing? Seeing my husband in handcuffs makes me want to kill. I didn't need to see that. They did that on purpose. Sometimes... I just hate this country and it's conservatism. There are whole companies popping champagne corks over this, people who just can't wait to see us fail because we defied the order of things, we burned a major label and dared to be successful doing things a different way. Not very Japanese, huh? We are the goddamn nail that sticks up, and now everyone's getting their hammers out. There are media vultures all over the street out front... people from VAP and BMG calling me up... our own ex-employees sending him emails, hitting up his intercompany address to send little spiteful rejoinders to their own firing. Messages that bounce from his office and land in mine, so I see every one. I don't even know what to do about this interview thing. I should sleep but I'm in that over-tired, over-caffeinated, too-much-nicotine zone where you're just beyond all hope of rest. I need to do something but I can't think of what it is. Current Mood: anxious

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March 17th, 2004

10:24 pm - Cross purposes I went with Noriko into the other world of Roppongi. It was fitting. We lost everything here once. I dressed along that invisible professional/evening wear line: suede skirt, scoop neck top with metallic threads, nylons patterned with a lacy texture, blazer from a new Gucci pantsuit, all in shades of blue. I was careful to not wear any jewelry Tohma had given me, it wouldn't be right. I kissed him before I left and I told him where I was going and with whom. And I told him why. I didn't know what was coming. I didn't drink because I was nervous, because I wasn't. K-san set me at ease. He had that easy American way about him, they're so unbelievably free over there. They don't worry about anything. He didn't bring his guns, just like he said. He wore soft camel browns. And his eyes are so, so blue. Not a chemical plastic blue like Gao's designer lenses, this is the real thing. Bluer then the sky. It made me dizzy to look at him. I drank because I felt lightheaded and I wanted to speak, to get rid of these inhibitions. I did, almost. I asked him about America. I told him about my favorite American singer. He told me about how Americans see Japan and when I asked him about his former job, he smiled and said it was classified. But then he had another shot of whiskey and bought me another glass of wine, and he told me a little bit. There are ways to tilt a meeting from business to pleasure. Noriko left early on, she finished her cocktail and excused herself to go home to her daughter. I nodded and waved, but I barely noticed. I was easing out of the blazer, tilting the balance. We shared a cab. My house first. He kissed my hand and walked me to the door. I wondered.. and I still wonder... if it was politeness on his part. If it was office politics. I was too intoxicated to see. But then I was alone, Tohma was gone. It was 1:00 am. And I suddenly had other things to think about. Tohma called me at three. Told me everything. He did it, he took it all on himself. He went alone, just like at the press conference, into the lights and scrutiny. They called in the night. They ambushed him with twenty, thirty officers. I want the name of this son of a bitch police chief so I can destroy him financially. And I want my husband out of that hellhole, now. But I have to wait for morning, when they'll process bail. I have to wait, and not listen to the news wire, but of course I do anyway because I can't help myself. The story is just hitting the tv stations now. I'm wired. I want to act. But I have to wait. I have the lawyers ready. I have my plans. I'll call K-san in the morning for business, for getting Shuichi back. I'll have Tohma with me then. I'll take him back home and away from all this. He's played his part, and soon it will be my turn. Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: Phil Collins - In the Air Tonight

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March 16th, 2004

08:50 pm - This isn't the time. I'm telling myself that I have to get back to work. Geez. My job is to get that kid found via the American. Yes, he's beautiful. I'm a goddamned professional and I can control myself. Noriko could have warned me, but never mind, I can handle this. What Noriko did tell me was that she would do anything to help us, but this was our business. She's right. Tohma and I always handled these things. She's right, what can she really do ultimately? She wants to have her own normal life with her family, and I understand that. She doesn't want her daughter around the media feeding frenzy, and who would? So it's up to me to do what I can, and I've got my weapons lined up. Lawyers and countermeasures and workarounds for this meeting and arrest. I've got the gorgeous American to... well, he's here to find Shuichi. That should be my focus. And.... it is. Yes. Because Tohma is.... paralyzed. Off in his own world. He's not even building walls of music around himself anymore, he's silent. It's excruciating to watch. I know I can't really help him, any more then I could have helped him that day in NYC. All I can do is act where he can't allow himself to. Protect him any way I can. And.. I can handle that. That's my job. I handle the real world so he doesn't have to. But there's nothing left for me to do at NG. We are in standstill. The money isn't moving anywhere but in distribution and I don't even dare look at the weekly net profits, it would probably destroy my will to live. I'll clawing the walls there, I swear. I know I can't help Tohma, but this energy, this drive, this violent desire... it has to go somewhere. I don't have an empire to take it anymore. I have to take it out in affection. Or in planning ways to dodge this drug thing. I probably have the energy for a crush, but... I don't know... do I dare? Fuck. This is so, so, so not the time! Being in the business, being around all the money and the people it attracts, of course Tohma and I set one another free. No secrets between us, but we both work so damned hard, of course we let one another choose our own rewards. I understood about his experimentation. He understood about that VP over at BMG, that Australian I met in layover at LAX. We understand one another. And it's sleazy as hell, isn't it? My husband's employee? Geez. That's a plot for one of your books, Eiri. Rock star's wife and the bodyguard. Whatever. I just want Shuichi back. And I want my company back. And I want.. both of them. And I've had just waaaay too much coffee today. Good god. So what's happening in the world outside? Nothing left on that brick wall. The brat will be disappointed. The certificates came back from the RIAJ. I didn't feel anything when I looked at them. All the diamond records in the world couldn't move me now. Eiri was polite to me last night. I felt like asking him what he'd done with my younger brother. Fusako is fussing over Tohma. I can hear him downstairs right now, telling her that he doesn't want any tea and no, there's nothing bothering him. And... I invited the American out. I hid behind politeness and courtesy and Noriko to do it. She's going to know what's up right away when I call her... Christ.... but maybe he won't clue in. Americans are like that, right? They don't understand the Japanese. Maybe he'll find me... what did they used to say about Yoko Ono....? Inscrutable. I'll be so fucking inscrutable that he won't know..... shit, I have to go tell Tohma everything. Right now. The timing, the timing, the fucking timing.... I've lost it. Current Mood: crazy Current Music: Arcadia - Election Day

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March 15th, 2004

10:05 pm - Embarrassment of riches I'm in our home office trying to catch my breath. I must be losing it. I'm.. ( ...definitely not thinking straight at all. ) Stuff happened at all these meetings, but my head is spinning. I'll write about it tomorrow... yeah. Ryuuichi's home. Shit. Current Mood: enthralled Current Music: Roxy Music - Avalon

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